Malaysia & Hong Kong · Chapter 3
I think we’re a clone now
Oh my haze
Read by a voice clone
ROBOT VOICE: ON
The audio for yesterday’s post was, indeed, read by my elevenlabs robot clone. It was done because I really didn’t have time to narrate it myself, but also because I had been repeatedly implored to do it, so I did. Anyway the first review is in:
I don’t like the clone
It’s annoyingly upbeat
I think I’d rather have tired Darren than that wanker
Right. Well, bad news, I’m almost certainly going to use the clone again for today, and indeed the next few days. I mean maybe not, who knows, but today doesn’t feel like a day when I could narrate even if I tried. I’m fuzzy and hungover and let me tell you why that is.
But first: parkrun
Oh, yeah. Yesterday was Saturday so obviously it starts with parkrun. I say obviously - plainly it’s not obvious, because as previously described I was uncertain if parkrun would be taking place. They still hadn’t posted anything to the event facebook page when I woke up at, what, 0130 and still not by the time I left at about 6am. I hadn’t managed to sleep at all during that time despite repeated attempts to do so, eventually abandoning the idea at 4am and writing about Friday.
So, sod it, I’ll just assume it’s on and see what happens. The guidance from the event team is that it’s only about 10 minutes from central KL, but I’d failed to understand that central KL is not KL Sentral, and Google maps was telling me it would take about an hour by public transport to get there. That’s a much longer journey than I thought it would be!
I knew the metro station, Muzium Negara, was just at the end of that lift/corridor/lift/corridor shimmy, but what I didn’t realise was that it was going to be another 3 or so escalators to get down to it. As with the monorail, the transport ticket is a token. There’s a few people around but not many, and it’s 6 stops to Maluri.
Maluri deposits you out onto a large unpleasant main road directly next to a big electricity pylon. There’s a bus garage where drivers are just starting their shifts, and a few roadside food shacks that are serving, like, street cleaners and cab drivers. There’s an even larger and more unpleasant motorway just up, and then you go past this bleak looking hotel and a “restaurant” that’s a 24hr mini food court. I could do with a 7-Eleven tbh, it’s already hot because of course it is and I hadn’t had anything to drink yet. Dehydration was a terribly bad idea.
Anyway, across the road is the park, Taman Udu Pulu.
Before going in I had a look on Google maps for convenience stores and, oh, there is a 7-Eleven just behind the “restaurant”. Good. Went in and bought a coke zero and some water, and necked the former in double quick time. It was about 7am, half hour ‘til parkrun if indeed it was on.
Entered the park and was immediately struck by just how bloody nice it was. Also there was a large group of folk dancercising to music and a vigorous instructor.
I looked for the big white sail thing where parkrun starts and noticed a lot of people walking, a handful jogging. Lots of people. Lots and lots of people. This park was full of locals on their early morning constitutional, many of them properly power walking. Also a lot of other groups doing their own exercises - t’ai chi and the like. It was very cool.
Not the weather, you understand. That was very much not cool. It was hot already and there weren’t many clouds about. My brother had been telling me that Eliud Kipchoge had done a parkrun in Melbourne that morning, which frankly is cool as fuck. But cool as fuck does nothing to cool down KL’s air.
There’s a glimpse of the Petronas Towers in the distance, which was also cool.
I found the big sail thing and a lot of parkrun folk. The volunteers were all really friendly, making a point of going round to greet and welcome everyone, and as expected there were a fair few UK tourists - and kiwis, Germans, someone from Japan also I think?
First timers briefing made the course sound terribly confusing, but I was soon to learn that’s because the course is sort of terribly confusing. Main briefing was kinda joyous, especially because they were so happy to be running at the start of deepavali and after 4 consecutive cancellations. Off we went to the start line, flanked by the ever increasing number of power walkers, and away we went.
Ran the first km in, what, 5:41 or something? Absolute madness. I’ve only done one sub-30 parkrun all year and that was in significantly cooler climes. How on earth had I gone out so fast? It didn’t even feel that fast.
The park was beautiful, and heaving. Honestly there were so many power walkers, if only they’d sign up to parkrun the attendance would be in the hundreds rather than the mid-high tens. There were simply tons and tons and tons of folk walking laps of the park while we runners had to weave our way through.
I mean not exactly weave, but, well, sort of. You stand or walk on the left in Malaysia, on escalators and on paths. And everyone keeps left. What’s more, people indicate when they’re about to turn - hand signals galore. I really liked it.
The terribly confusing route was, as stated, terribly confusing. But only to describe, it wasn’t confusing to run because it was so well signposted and marshalled. Up to the top, round the perimeter until you cut across and run through a pergola and then take a hard left back to the perimeter and then back inside and then a switch back down to another switch back and then across past this … house? … and then back to the start. Do that twice, well, three times except the third time doesn’t have the double switch back.
I don’t understand how I did so well, tbh. I mean I didn’t set any records and didn’t even run the whole thing, because ALL THE SWEATING. ALL OF IT. First 2km were both at a pace I haven’t managed at home in months, like 5:42/km or something, but I was beyond drenched and decided to walk the next 500 metres while drinking some water.
Ran the next km, then walked another 500m, before running the final km in something like 5:34. What? How? Eh who cares. Finished in 31st place at just over 32 minutes. Very pleased with that given I walked 1km.
All in all a brilliant parkrun. Terima kasih, Taman Udu Pulu team!
I’d left a bag at the start with a spare shirt in it, but couldn’t find anywhere to change. No toilets around, none at the station, and it was too early for the adjacent shopping mall to be open. Time was ticking so I opted to just put the second shirt on over top of the drenched one, and honestly that felt great, so much better. Hoping it would mask any stench and frankly not having any other choice, i got on the tube which by now was significantly busier. No-one seemed offended by me, either because they actually weren’t or they were just all too polite. Sorry, KL folk.
Back at the hotel I had a quick shower, got into civvies, and pegged it down for breakfast. They sat me at a window seat this time, and I had veggie curry again.
It being a window seat meant I could stare mostly at a main road.
I also had a plate full of sugary goods. Needed the energy!
Back upstairs to pack and leave. It was about 10am and I checked out, paid my bar tab, and walked to the station to get the KLIA ekspres. There were ads for “The world’s first AI-powered bank”. It’s not obvious to me what AI’s role here would be.
Got a seat this time and it being daylight, I could enjoy the views until really quite soon the views became not particularly enjoyable. Nondescript. I’m not describing them.
The KLIA departure experience
I’d already checked in, and unlike in the UK no-one wanted to see me at a desk. The self-service machine spat out a tag for my suitcase, and I had a moment of panic. Well, not panic, more self-loathing about being too stupid to understand the instructions for how to attach it. Figured out it eventually, dropped the suitcase off, and wandered a bit zombie-like through the terminal to immigration.
Immigration was chaotic again and full of angry Aussies shouting at people. Lots of “nope, try again” things on the eGates but for some reason it worked first time for me. Wandered down to the monorail to the satellite and got prime spot at the front.
One day I’ll be able to embed videos in these posts, but today is not that day. Maybe look to see if I’ve posted it on instagram? (At the time of writing, I have not)
Once in the satellite I went straight outside into the rain forest. You heard.
I love me an airport terminal with its own rain forest. But I also love me a lounge. Last time I was flying from here was in 2019 and there were about 4 lounges we had access to, but things have consolidated a bit and now there’s just the Malaysian airlines lounge. Which I struggled to find, turns out it was right back above the monorail.
The Golden Lounge
First thing on the left is a bar. Made a mental note of that and wandered through to the main room, which is this huge cavernous thing with a load of food in the centre. There was barely anyone around and it was ace.
Didn’t really fancy any food though, so I went back to the and perched at a seat looking out over the apron, with a glass of fizzy wine because of course I did.
The fizzy wine wasn’t very fizzy. I mean it definitely was fizzy wine from a fizzy wine bottle and it fizzed when the guy poured it (there’s no self-service here), but there were no bubbles in it by the time I got to my seat.
There was also no working aircon. The rest of the building, rain forest aside, had been pleasantly cool to the point of cold but in here I started sweating without moving. Ugh. But I didn’t want to move, I wanted another glass of fizzy wine and to watch planes arrive. Oh, look, there’s my plane!
For some reason I was getting grumpy. I think it’s because I saw that The Points Guy now has a TV show? Maybe. Decided perhaps I should have something to eat after all and went to make a plate of impromptu fusion food: 3 fajitas and a dumpling.
They were all pretty disappointing. Also that main bit of the lounge was pretty heaving by now. I was muttering and mumbling to myself, a sure sign of being grumpy if ever there was one. Decided I didn’t want or need to be in this lounge any more and to go wander around the terminal near the gate.
I’d known the gate for hours, way before the plane actually arrived. C32 it was, and en route I searched for a diet coke eventually buying one in WH Smith’s. I was hindered by a load of schoolchildren because there were a load of schoolchildren about. And I do mean a load. Some giant “international school” trip was happening, and it looked like they were all getting on my flight. Joy.
I’d been thinking about how much more sensible doing security at the gate is rather than at the terminal entrance. The latter is how things work at, like, Gatwick or Heathrow, and it just means you need tons of scanners in one place and loads of tensa barriers and you’re often going through at the same time as TONS of other people all arriving for a variety of flights on planes big and small. Whereas if you do security at the gate, you’ll only ever be doing it at the same time as whoever’s turned up at the gate at the same time as you, and there’s a maximum number of people possible: the capacity of the plane.
Well it turns out security at the gate at KUL was a fucking nightmare. Two queues, and by the time you reach the roller thing someone barks at you telling you to go over there, look, to pick up some crates to put your stuff in. So you do that and you lose your place in the queue and go to the back. Then half the people don’t understand that you have to put everything in the crates, yes, even your watch, they’re shouting TAKE YOUR WATCHES OFF and I’m seemingly the only person who notices this.
God damn I was grumpy.
Inside the gate area there was priority seating for people in groups 1, 2 and 3 and it was being well enforced. I was in groups 2 and had a seat with plenty of space. Grumpiness reduced somewhat, boarding was early and I got on and grabbed my seat: 11k. Don’t be conned into thinking 11k is the 11th row, it’s not, it’s the first row. I was in business with the window seat on the right hand side of the plane. And, relax.
Leaving on a jet plane
Pretty much the moment I sat down I had some champagne foisted upon me. Actually fizzy stuff too, which was welcome. The crew were amazing, so friendly. Meredith introduced herself to me and confirmed that my pre-ordered meal had been registered. What drink would I like after takeoff, and what would I like to accompany the meal? Hmm, let me think.
- Champagne please
- I think I’ll stick with champagne, actually
Couldn’t find a USB socket to charge my phone though. As with the previous flight, this was a bit of an older model plane with previous generation seats but for a 4hr hop I wasn’t exactly complaining. Yet.
I read through the menus and took photos of everything, even though I wasn’t going to choose anything.
Likewise for the food.
And then I lost the game of bassinet roulette. Sitting in the front row is always a risk, and I’ve never lost this game before. But on came a 3 generation family and the mother and child sat right next to me. The kid must only have been a few months old and there was a LOT of kerfuffle as dad and grandma headed to seats elsewhere (not even sure they were in business!) after getting all the baby stuff sorted. The staff couldn’t have been more helpful, and as much I was kinda rueing the situation honestly it was fine.
I mean it was mostly fine. The kid was very active, and grabbed me a couple of times and tried to steal my blogging pad. But mostly I just occasionally smiled and went back to watching stuff on the small TV that was miles away from me.
I watched a documentary about professional Tetris players which was absolutely fascinating, and I drank champagne. So much champagne. At one point I had two full glasses because one member of crew gave me a refill and another one just popped and handed me a fresh glass. Cathay, are you trying to get me drunk?
Also I ate.
I have no idea what the starter was. It was alright. The main was some honey chicken thing and it was great and I ate it with chopsticks because check me out. I didn’t ask for a plate of cheese, it just arrived out of nowhere. Perhaps I’ve got that “this man needs cheese” look about me.
WiFi worked, which was good as it enabled me to chat with Tom and Helen. The kid spilled his mother’s drink all over the place. I started watching Boorman & The Devil but gave up because I just wasn’t taking any notice of it. Instead I just kept chatting to folk and staring at clouds.
Hong Kong appeared, and appeared bleak. It was dark and raining and miserable.
We taxied for bloody ages, past what appears to be an entirely new terminal being built? Not sure. Other planes were stacked in the sky behind us to land, and a tiny bit of sun tore through the sky briefly.
As we got to the gate, the cabin suddenly stank of VapoRub. Don’t know why. Odd.
Welcome to Hong Kong!
Got the transit, went through manned immigration, headed to baggage carousel C and my suitcase was directly in front of me the second I arrived. Amazing. Walked out and straight to the airport express train, bought a ticket and got onboard. I judge the Hong Kong Airport Express to be a step above KLIA ekspres but still a step or two below the Arlanda Express.
It’s about half hour, three stops? Maybe 4? I dunno. Anyway you end up in Hong Kong at Central, on the island, where I pop down to the metro station to get the Island Line. It’s a hell of a walk to get to the platforms and there are tons of people around and I’m really bloody frazzled. Let’s not forget that I’ve been awake since about 0130 and done parkrun today!
Got the Island Line 4 stops to Kennedy Town, where Tom met me. He was filming me as I walked through the barrier, and we both said “CONTENT!” in unison 🤣
Hi Tom! Great to see you! This is the real reason I’m travelling right now - Tom and Simon, our old neighbours in Godalming have moved to Hong Kong and I’m staying with them. I babbled on a load of shit about something or other as Tom navigated us to the flat. Hi Simon! Great to see you! Hi Java! You silly thing.
Babbled on a bit more, wolfed down a coke zero, put my bags in my room and handed over the gifts I’d brought with me. Cards opened but gifts staying under wraps, I had a shower and got changed and then we all went out for beer. Seemed a sensible thing to do as a way of keeping me awake. It was about 8pm by now.
It was raining, but only kinda spitting and apparently it hadn’t rained for weeks so it was very welcome. We wandered up and around the corner to meet their friend Dan, it taking about 10 minutes to cross the road because as I have already learned, the pedestrian crossings are heavily biased against pedestrians.
An Uber arrived and drove us a seemingly convoluted route to Sheung Wan where the driver just decided to dump us out earlier than was necessary. I mean fine, I guess? The 5 of us - 4 humans, 1 dog - walked the remainder and arrived in Craftissimoh!
Beer! Lots of beer. Cheers!
And that was basically it. Tom knew everyone here, and introduced me to Tim and other Tim and the other guy whose name I forgot. Apparently I have something in common with everyone, not just about beer but two of them are big parkrun fans and were wondering why there wasn’t one in HK and if it was feasible to have one at The Peak. Tom introduced me to Tim, or other Tim, I forget which, by saying “hey you guys, you both have beards and like heavy metal”. Turns out not only was this true but we had good stories to share and he also used to work with one of the most … I dunno … let’s just say well known fans in the AFC Wimbledon fan base. Small world.
I have no idea how much beer we drank. It was a lot. Not that I got so wasted as to forget anything, more that we were all just getting cans and sharing them and they kept coming and coming. Big hoppy IPAs and even bigger stouts. Super convivial, that’s what this evening was.
At midnight or so(!) we decided to walk back in what was now real rain. Pleasant rain though.
I guess it took us about 40 minutes? Something like that. Back at the flat the presents were opened, and so was more booze and snacks. Chatted about all kinds of things, including me explaining carefully the Wegovy regime involving the 8hr fast followed by 30 minutes of nil-by-mouth and what that means for the times of day it’s sensible for me to eat and drink and oh shit it’s almost 2am and I’m still eating and drinking. D’oh.
Brilliant evening and night, and considerably more “keep me awake” fuel than I’d anticipated at 8pm, but this meant I’d been awake for 24hrs by now. This should make fasting for 8 hours very easy 😴